Daughter of the risen one! (:

October 7, 2010

Marriage & motives

Filed under: Blibical, Rantings — Tags: , , , — CynthiaAcacia @ 1:04 am

I think. I’m never going to get married.
Lol, perhaps I’m going to look back at this post years later and laugh at the irony.
Lmao, doesn’t life suck in a way that as you get to know more people,
along the way your expectations go higher,
your future boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband starts to need some added qualities?
Well, I guess in a way it does make things clearer about who we really want.
And not just chasing around some fantasies and dreams.
Perhaps some people say it’s okay to lose some of those qualities,
if not very hard to find husband/wife hahah.
God begs to differ, He created a special being for each of us.
Sometimes, we’re just too impatient.
Even if we find our soul mate at a young age,
they haven’t mature to be that kind of person we were suppose to be with.
If you ask me, it’s a waste.
Still there are some people like my mum: don’t smoke don’t drink not abusive love you can already.
Lol, like that. I can simply just pick a random guy from the street.
My mum tells me not to go for water baptism on the 05102010.
Five days before I decide to go and die.
She tells me I won’t know where my husband next time what religion,
later water baptism then next time very troublesome.
How to tell her I die die also will marry Christian or out of the question?
Hahahs I guess this sounds rather obstinate and stupid.
Ahh well sleeps (:
My skin condition is getting real bad.
It’s so sensitive that at any point of salty contact,
which particularly means even if I sweat.
I will have bumps all over my body.
Which are itchy and not even red.
And guess when all this started? When I decided to go Sentosa =.=
Hmmm, I guess I will have to keep myself extra clean.
In a same way when our body is unclean and riddle with sins,
we carry these small packages of burdens and uncleanliness.
How dirty and sinful is your body today?
Just count the bumps on you,
I was surprised because it sort of reminded me how sinful I was,
I made me felt dirty :/
I often do the right things for the wrong purposes and motives,
this generally made my soul and heart tainted and unpure.
I’m usually driven by selfishness and I’m rather self-promoting in spirit.
I end up always stealing glory that belongs to God and others.
PEOPLE are willing to give as long as God repays THEM for their giving.
PEOPLE are willing to serve as long as people NOTICE and give ample praise.
PEOPLE are willing to sacrifice as long as they find an ADVANTAGE in the sacrifice.
PEOPLE are willing to worship as long as they find FULFILLMENT and BLESSING in the act.

Sounds familiar?

I often commit the fourth and third.
I’m really ashamed to say that sometimes I can be like the Pharisees,
I love the praises of men more than the praises of God.
You know, it’s sort of pride and recognition.
But I think I should get rid of this *frowns*
Guilty guilty guilty ):
I guess all these would have been enough to convict me for life.
Last but not least.
I compromise values which many of a times caused me to be separated from God’s presence.
Which is rather irritating cause I hate it when I can’t hear God.
Here’s the areas of growth for me:
  1. Right motive and purposes, pure untainted heart
  2. Growth in wisdom
  3. Be more serving
  4. Child-likeness faith
  5. Teachable, Ever willing to learn
  6. Stronger R/s with God.
I was hesitating to put number 6..
hahas I cannot put goals that I’m not willing to go for ^^
But yes God, more time with you speaking to me is very much appreciated.
I guess God, as we go along in life I’m not very much a spiritual baby anymore.
You’ve been feeding me solid food.
You’ve been requiring me to talk more to you than you to me.
I guess, it’s really a test of faith,
for me to believe whether I’m talking to air or if you’re still here beside me.
But God, I really like to hear your awesome voice again,
on bus rides, on MRTs.
I wonder God if we can have those awesome time spent,
you rebuking me, comforting me,  joking with me?
Those visions and prophecies were so cool.
I’d spend hours in awe of them, in awe of you.
It’s very much because of those things I find it hard to disbelieve in you.
But God please hear me, I really want that R/s back with you.
I promise I will still talk (: But please. I miss you. Really.
Enough said, I’m going to eat buffet later (=
God, come with me on this MRT ride okay? (‘: I really love you.

August 17, 2010


Filed under: Blibical, Random crap (: — Tags: — CynthiaAcacia @ 7:47 pm


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.

By Stephanie Halmilton

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